I never really thought about what that phrase meant–until I saw the results of my Dad’s stroke up close and personal. A manic-depressive (my diagnosis) at the best of times, all filters are now off. Screaming, calling people fat, lazy morons. Telling me to “stop talking Clare” as I chatter non-stop about how everything’s going to be okay, he’s going to come home soon, he just needs to get a little stronger, the nurses are just trying to help him. Because he does know who we are, and he can talk, and boy can he fight. But he really has no idea what is happening. It’s extremely painful to watch. When asked where he was (New York–where he has lived all his life) he answered “Canada,” where he lived for about a year. When asked for his address and other addresses he got them all right, except that they were from 30 years ago. But the worst part is that I think he is starting to realize that something bad has happened to him and he is very angry and depressed.
At first I was completely at sea–what to do? Who to call? Would his doctor ever come see him? Should he be at home or in rehab? Would he ever get better? Fortunately, after what seemed to me weeks, the trusty neurologist Dr. R. came through. Dad will need to stay in rehab for about, or at least, another week and then will need full-time care at home. The doctor told me I have to be patient–we’re not talking about days or weeks but months in terms of recovery and who knows what that recovery will look like.
And what about MY summer? I have canceled everything including a two-week hiking trip to Norway. But I’m not disappointed. Right now I don’t feel compelled to go, see, do. All my energy is taken up with keeping this ball in the air. The feeling is familiar from last summer when my mother died. Even before the stroke I had lost enthusiasm for the trip. This is the third time the trip was rescheduled. And I realized that my whole world is different now–my mother died, we had/are having a pandemic, and I turned 60 a couple of months ago. I told friends that it felt fine, I didn’t feel old, I sort of felt like it was a new beginning. “The best laid plans of mice and men…” my mother used to say, “often go awry.”
But even if I had been excited about the trip, I would have needed to cancel it. I cannot leave my father in this condition. Because whatever problems my father and I have had in the past, and however screwed up our family, and however difficult he was/is, my instinct is to take care of him, just as it was with my mother. The halls at the rehab are filled with middle-aged to older children visiting their families and I guess we all have one or more of these things in common–duty, responsibility, guilt, love. I need to see him settled at home. He made all three of us promise from a young age that we would never put him in a nursing home. And we won’t.
aw Clair, i’m so sorry to hear about your Dad. And i’m familiar with the behavioral deterioration (all filters gone) & the emotional toll this kind of care entails. my dad was dying for a decade at least, & he got worse & worse, out of pain & stress & a preexisting shitty attitude… it was so hard on everyone, my mom wound up with dementia, which i believe was originally partially dissociation, coupled with ministrokes. Then the past 5 horrid years since dad died held basically captive & isolated in her own home by my brother seeking to control & steal her wealth…Now she is often asleep, crippled, blind, & regressed while the reality of dads death was kept from her, but sometimes we “talk” on the phone & i am “allowed” short visits a few sundays a month… But the real point is, yes, it is a new beginning, and your heart is so generous to care for him. And it will be hard. You aren’t required to give him the rest of your life, ie shorten it, destroy your own health, to care for him. Although it’s so great & valuable that you are going to try your best to honor his wishes. Pls be sure you have good self care strategies in place & a good support system. Including elder daycare for time out of the house/days off. If the abuse continues, you will really need that! And i happen to have added a healing modality to my skill set, called Havening Techniques, a psychosensory treatment i do online (Zoom!) that includes touch the clients do themselves (used to be only done in person but covid changed this! Selfhavening was already used, so it’s not a stretch. I’ve done over 30 hours is sessions all over the world, let me know if you want to try. It can clear away the emotional triggers encoded in the brain from past trauma, build resilience, sense of self & agency, allow closure with people who have passed or left your life, preparation for challenging upcoming events & more. See havening.org or my website youcanbereailient.com, or search for havening on youtube to learn more, or just reach out. Or, in any capacity where i might help, if only an empathetic ear, just reach out. 🤗💜🌻Elisabeth “liz” C
He is lucky to have you.
So sorry to hear your news, Clare. During my mother’s last 6-7 months she was gradually losing touch with reality and it took some strange turns. One of the worst was her harsh behavior towards my youngest sister…she berated her about every aspect of her life, body, and behavior and even when scolded by my other sisters, she didn’t let up…it was horrible and really uncharacteristic of her life-long personality. Be sure to give your self a break as you move forward.
When you are in town, if you would like to meet for a walk, a drink, lunch, etc. …just give a call.