Well, it’s been about nine months since my Mom died. The day-to-day has gotten easier unless people ask me about her. Especially if I’m already down. Which I was last week when I was diagnosed, FINALLY, with Covid. This is the first time I’ve been sick since she died. And I know she would have called me every day, probably more than once, to see how I was doing, even though it turned into no more than an average cold. So now is a time when I am focussing on the rest of my life without my mother, not so much life without kids–I’m used to that.
Mother’s Day is coming up, as well as my birthday. They often fell/fall on the same day. So all the stores are filled with cards and goodies, and I just avert my eyes. I have a card I want to give her. Last time I went to the cemetery I buried the card in the dirt with her. I will do the same with this one. I am concerned that it won’t be ON Mother’s Day. My friend Jessica said it was okay because she wouldn’t know. And I said, “but what if she does?” And part of me does genuinely worry about that. I imagine the cemetery will be crowded (ish) on Mother’s Day. And I won’t be able to go to that day.
But this year, if she doesn’t get her annual card, or cards (I followed her habit of often giving her more than one card–one funny, one sentimental), she won’t be able to tell me how disappointed she is, for she was not one to suffer in silence. I will tell her how sad I am that she is not here to get the cards, but I very much doubt that she will hear me.
N.B. Many thanks to my friend Mary Stets who made a contribution to our local library in memory of my mother, so Mother’s Day this year will be Jo Jo Garfield Day at Bosler Memorial Library.
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I love the image of you burying cards at your mother’s grave. Mother’s Day when your mom is gone is always hard, harder still when it coincides with your birthday (my cousin Joe has the same issue).Today is the anniversary of my mom’s death, 31 years. When I saw the title of your post, I gasped just a little. That is the theme that has been very much on my mind lately, and I have been wanting to write about it. My mom died at 52, so I never got to see her age, and therefore, have no vision in my head of what I might look like, should I live to 80, or heaven forbid, 90. (I am pretty confident I’ll make it to 60 in October. Fingers crossed!) Thank you for writing about these tough topics. I hope you find it satisfying or cathartic in some way.
Yes, I want to think/write about it more as well as these posts are on-the-fly, otherwise I would never put anything up.
Clare
This made me cry…
Life without a mom is something we all know we will have to face, but I cannot even imagine it.
I feel sad on Mother’s Day for those without their moms.
Much love to you.
Marlene
Thanks Marlene…look forward to your return!
Hi Clare,
Your title hit me hard, too. All the milestones of the first year are just so poignant. My mom died just before mother’s day and I couldn’t bear all of the commercial hype. Then dad died right before father’s day. We held his wake on father’s day in fact. Still, whatever gives us a heart pause to think about these people who mean / meant so much to us is a real gift. The photo of you and your mom is stunning. There will never be anyone like her. Hugs, Clare.
Joan
Thanks Joan. Let’s try to catch up this weekend?